Not for me.

I've never really experienced proper rejection. I suppose that's why Sheffield Hallam's decision to 'kick me to the kerb' hit me like a wave in the sea.

I've been lucky enough to have connections with industry, through my dad, and see things that other kids my age wouldn't. I am unbelievably lucky, even though I'm not entirely sure what the word luck means, to lead the life I do. I have a stable home, a great work ethic, food on the table, a chance to become something by going to university and a real force behind me to push me to succeed.

The only thing I'm missing, is me. My dad explained to me after my last post that university wasn't just about education and qualifications, but finding myself and realising who and what I can become. This fact boggles my mind.

You can watch programmes on TV where random people flourish and become who they really are after they've been hypnotised or lost weight etc... and I'd be so unbelievably interested to see what will show me who Catherine White really is.

I know people go through this type of thing like no other, but wouldn't it be nice if you could go somewhere, like a doctors, and someone would prescribe you the ingredients to put together to find out who you are.

I'm not saying I'm in a situation that I can't get out of, or that anything is wrong with my life but the word 'luck' just doesn't cover my life. It can't.

Another thing I learnt from Sheffield Hallam was that everything happens for a reason. That fact, is why I cannot believe in 'luck'. I've witnessed situations evolve into something so much better a variety of times and none of it was luck.

So, this time next year I won't be living in Sheffield. But maybe if I blog one year from today, I could tell you what I've figured out... who I really am.

Should I?

At the moment I'm presuming a hell of a lot of people are questioning whether or not university is the right path for them. I'll never wonder about my decision, but it's crazy what people can do without the qualifications.

I had to create a website for a part of my A2 media course. This took preparation, time and mostly self-education as pretty much no-one around me gave me any hints or clues as to how I was supposed to go about this task. Long story short, absolutely everything that could have gone wrong did.
After much disappointment and a lot of chasing I finally found one man that would make all my troubles go away. I sat in a room for half an hour whilst he clicked around and hey-presto everything was sorted. After two weeks, surely, someone could have just told me to go to him.

Phil, ICT man and genius of the year, didn't go to university either. He's now 21 with his own business, running a school's business and working as an ICT engineer at a school too. I looked at pictures of his BMW on the wall of his office and wondered if I'd ever get to his level. Without further education he was able to become so sucessful and make his life as simple as possible.

Obviously, he spent most the half an hour (whilst carrying on with my ICT problems) telling me that university was a waste of time and with the right work experience and self-study I could do it all myself. I can't help but wonder if he's right.

Freedom.

Yesterday was the first time since falling in love with media as a subject that I got chance to really express the ideas jumbled inside my head.

After growing up as the worlds most lazy child and never really taking to sports or activities outside of school, I thought attending Tess Machin's Movie Makers club would be another 'hobby' that would swing by the way side. I was proven completely wrong.

I have already experienced the feeling of creating my very own piece and the thrill it gives, but I can already feel that this will be different.

The fact that I was already working with a child genius, a teenager with tourettes and several other ridiculously talented kids, made me feel completely out of my depth yet so comfortable at the same time. It was lovely having the feeling that no-one was judging my ideas... most of the time they even liked them!

This will be the second music video I have made since I recently created one for my A level media coursework. A second chance is what I needed. I tried hard on my A level piece, working alone has never been a strong point of mine, so many ideas but sometimes, so hard to portray them. I can do better. I really want to prove to people that I can be good at what I love, I don't just give up straight away and the burning need I have to get into university isn't just a game. I really mean it.

Movie Makers will show what I can do. I can feel it.

Blank.

When you have nothing to say, you have the most to say.

Talking about the film Love Actually in my 6th Form registration time this morning has made me think about Hugh Grant and whether or not it is actually possible to lead a life like it seems every one of his character's do.
In the film it seems even the most terrible scenarios come together at the end, all is well and happy. I know everyone says it (if they don't they think it) but I would just adore to live in a movie. Create it in my mind and play it over and over every day, different stories becoming a reality. Except my movie wouldn't be like Love Actually, it'd be something like Alice in Wonderland. Intellectual, I'm sure.

But in all seriousness, when did things become so complicated? Why is it that it's even possible, in some aspects, for a 17 year old to have the same amount of stress as a 40 year old. Escaping to a hole in the ground could be the only solution for getting away! Even when I leave the country for a holiday, my father is at the pub watching the news or has a newspaper everyday to keep us all up-to-date with the horrors of the world.

If everyone could just choose one week a year in which they could click their fingers, go into a world they had been making up in their head and live it just like any other day, we'd all be so refreshed! You could do anything you wanted, be whoever your brain could muster up and cause all the trouble in the world or just sit and watch as cartoon caterpillar walked, or shuffled, past you.

I'd be the best known director in the world, with people constantly telling me what a great job I'd done on that last thriller I created. I think being congratulated for something you've created yourself is the best type of praise. I didn't work out that really hard maths equation that anyone could do if they put their mind to it, or answer an incredibly hard History question, but I created something that no-one else would have thought of, because it's mine and my brain conjured it up. That would be the best day.

ICT.

The amount of questions I have been asked by my parents tonight on how to use this or that on the internet has inspired me to write about how great it is to have the knowledge to be able to answer.

When I was growing up, computers were not necessarily brand new but still pretty recent. When my kids grow up, however, the flying car will be 'recent'.

I find it completely mind-boggling how I can sit here now, slam my finger tips down on a few letters and out come my feelings into a little box on my screen, made up of a few pixels.

Obviously I sometimes which I was in the 1950s where relationships weren't controlled by how good you looked on a Facebook photo or what this person said on their status last night.

That's the crazy thing about it. People really do set their lives around what happens on Facebook, ''Who went to that place?', 'How could she post that?' 'How dare she wear such a foul dress?!'.

I can't say I don't love Facebook, hotmail and all other sorts of emailing and social network sites, because I do. I also adore the fact that someone can ask me a question about setting an account up or how to download pictures from a digital camera and I know the answer.

I take ICT at A level, and like to brag about the fact that I got an A at GCSE, but looking back on it makes me realise that now, it's kind of necessary to have those qualifications.

What will journalists do in ten years time? Most people just log into websites to find out their daily news, or watch it on the TV. In fact, one of the only people I know to walk down to the paper shop on a Sunday morning for the paper is my Grandad.

I know that my future job, unless all fails and I become a nun, will entail some sort of ICT work. Even if it's just sitting down and typing something out, because life and business revolves around computer systems. In fact, I may have to invest in an iPad soon, just for future reference.

So, as I sit here now with my wireless (and very pretty, may I add) laptop, I'll keep thanking my GCSE ICT teacher for pushing me into the A level course too.

University.

A lot of people do not have the chance of going to university at the moment due to the raise in fees.

My best friend taught me, when I got stressed out about getting in to university, to thank my lucky stars that I even had the chance.

After getting an offer from Leeds Metropolitan, I did just this. No wonder she's got an interview at Oxford.

I don't quite understand the thoughts of David Cameron and Nick Clegg.

Surely they would want more kids to get into university, get education, start business' and turn this shambles of an economy around. Instead, though, they'll sit on their high chairs and take away the huge advantage of education to our modern-day teenagers.

I find it sickening. I can't believe how lucky I am to have been born a year earlier. How can one person just say 'at this point, we shall be raising the fees'. So, basically, every 16/17 year old is out of the loop. It makes not an ounce of sense to me.

For current A level students this year rests on the grades they get. If they don't succeed in getting into university this year, they will have to pay the thousands of pounds that no-one, in this economy, really has.

My mum even talked about possibly losing her job on Monday. Imagine, if I don't get the grades I need and my mum is out of a job and has to pay around £20,000 for me to go to university if I get the grades when I re-sit the year. Disastrous.

Yet, to be honest, I'd like to say I was as committed as other students to protesting against the rise in fees, but I'd rather work as hard as I possibly can now and get to university this year.

I'll leave the protesting to the next generation and carry on thanking my lucky stars I'm in the situation I am.

It's funny...

My dad says I'm too up and down with my emotions. I can't say I disagree.

But these days, isn't everything about emotions anyway? There are even genre's of music that cater to some 'modern day' cliques in school. Emo's, for example. Apparently they're supposed to be the kids that are so emotionally in touch with themselves that they thing it's daily routine to sit in a corner and cry for a reason not even known to themselves. I suppose you could say it was the modern day hippy.

For me, I just put it down to the fact that I'm a girl, and my dad obviously doesn't understand me...

Unfortunately, the truth is far from that, as sometimes I think he might even be the only one that does.

But in the long run, surely it's better to let your feelings out, instead of keeping them inside. I've heard way too many disturbingly gruesome stories about people killing themselves through stress or depression. My mum's colleagues even saw a woman hang herself as she couldn't pay her bills (or something along those lines). Maybe if she had cried, and spoken to someone about it (or in my case, more than one person) she might have got somewhere?

It's hard to describe, unless you've been in the situation yourself, of how tiny things just push you over the edge. In fact, until this year, I don't think I've been as up and down as this. It's definitely something to do with being 17. Must be. Or possibly just being tired.

Seeing as I was never overly interested in science, I can't really go into detail about the anatomy (that's probably not even the right word).

I can be overly happy at one moment and allow the world to crash around me at another. Both I take to extremes. But I just can't help it!

Actually, I should be talking about something more intellectual. When I send my dad my blog URL, he'll probably think I'm talking utter nonsense and tell me to do something more useful with my time!

But hey ho, there's plenty more time for that.