Not for me.

I've never really experienced proper rejection. I suppose that's why Sheffield Hallam's decision to 'kick me to the kerb' hit me like a wave in the sea.

I've been lucky enough to have connections with industry, through my dad, and see things that other kids my age wouldn't. I am unbelievably lucky, even though I'm not entirely sure what the word luck means, to lead the life I do. I have a stable home, a great work ethic, food on the table, a chance to become something by going to university and a real force behind me to push me to succeed.

The only thing I'm missing, is me. My dad explained to me after my last post that university wasn't just about education and qualifications, but finding myself and realising who and what I can become. This fact boggles my mind.

You can watch programmes on TV where random people flourish and become who they really are after they've been hypnotised or lost weight etc... and I'd be so unbelievably interested to see what will show me who Catherine White really is.

I know people go through this type of thing like no other, but wouldn't it be nice if you could go somewhere, like a doctors, and someone would prescribe you the ingredients to put together to find out who you are.

I'm not saying I'm in a situation that I can't get out of, or that anything is wrong with my life but the word 'luck' just doesn't cover my life. It can't.

Another thing I learnt from Sheffield Hallam was that everything happens for a reason. That fact, is why I cannot believe in 'luck'. I've witnessed situations evolve into something so much better a variety of times and none of it was luck.

So, this time next year I won't be living in Sheffield. But maybe if I blog one year from today, I could tell you what I've figured out... who I really am.

Should I?

At the moment I'm presuming a hell of a lot of people are questioning whether or not university is the right path for them. I'll never wonder about my decision, but it's crazy what people can do without the qualifications.

I had to create a website for a part of my A2 media course. This took preparation, time and mostly self-education as pretty much no-one around me gave me any hints or clues as to how I was supposed to go about this task. Long story short, absolutely everything that could have gone wrong did.
After much disappointment and a lot of chasing I finally found one man that would make all my troubles go away. I sat in a room for half an hour whilst he clicked around and hey-presto everything was sorted. After two weeks, surely, someone could have just told me to go to him.

Phil, ICT man and genius of the year, didn't go to university either. He's now 21 with his own business, running a school's business and working as an ICT engineer at a school too. I looked at pictures of his BMW on the wall of his office and wondered if I'd ever get to his level. Without further education he was able to become so sucessful and make his life as simple as possible.

Obviously, he spent most the half an hour (whilst carrying on with my ICT problems) telling me that university was a waste of time and with the right work experience and self-study I could do it all myself. I can't help but wonder if he's right.

Freedom.

Yesterday was the first time since falling in love with media as a subject that I got chance to really express the ideas jumbled inside my head.

After growing up as the worlds most lazy child and never really taking to sports or activities outside of school, I thought attending Tess Machin's Movie Makers club would be another 'hobby' that would swing by the way side. I was proven completely wrong.

I have already experienced the feeling of creating my very own piece and the thrill it gives, but I can already feel that this will be different.

The fact that I was already working with a child genius, a teenager with tourettes and several other ridiculously talented kids, made me feel completely out of my depth yet so comfortable at the same time. It was lovely having the feeling that no-one was judging my ideas... most of the time they even liked them!

This will be the second music video I have made since I recently created one for my A level media coursework. A second chance is what I needed. I tried hard on my A level piece, working alone has never been a strong point of mine, so many ideas but sometimes, so hard to portray them. I can do better. I really want to prove to people that I can be good at what I love, I don't just give up straight away and the burning need I have to get into university isn't just a game. I really mean it.

Movie Makers will show what I can do. I can feel it.

Blank.

When you have nothing to say, you have the most to say.

Talking about the film Love Actually in my 6th Form registration time this morning has made me think about Hugh Grant and whether or not it is actually possible to lead a life like it seems every one of his character's do.
In the film it seems even the most terrible scenarios come together at the end, all is well and happy. I know everyone says it (if they don't they think it) but I would just adore to live in a movie. Create it in my mind and play it over and over every day, different stories becoming a reality. Except my movie wouldn't be like Love Actually, it'd be something like Alice in Wonderland. Intellectual, I'm sure.

But in all seriousness, when did things become so complicated? Why is it that it's even possible, in some aspects, for a 17 year old to have the same amount of stress as a 40 year old. Escaping to a hole in the ground could be the only solution for getting away! Even when I leave the country for a holiday, my father is at the pub watching the news or has a newspaper everyday to keep us all up-to-date with the horrors of the world.

If everyone could just choose one week a year in which they could click their fingers, go into a world they had been making up in their head and live it just like any other day, we'd all be so refreshed! You could do anything you wanted, be whoever your brain could muster up and cause all the trouble in the world or just sit and watch as cartoon caterpillar walked, or shuffled, past you.

I'd be the best known director in the world, with people constantly telling me what a great job I'd done on that last thriller I created. I think being congratulated for something you've created yourself is the best type of praise. I didn't work out that really hard maths equation that anyone could do if they put their mind to it, or answer an incredibly hard History question, but I created something that no-one else would have thought of, because it's mine and my brain conjured it up. That would be the best day.